The Moofia Does Not Exist (part one)

When I was at A-Kon last year, there was a booth there that was selling urban vinyl. I’d liked the stuff for awhile, but never quite had the cash to “justify” taking the plunge and buying what amounted to a more-expensive-than-usual toy. Plunking down $10 for a Mighty Mugg? Sure, that’ll fly. Plunking down roughly five times that, or more, for a figure of equivalent size? Umm… I think I’ll go visit one of the DVD booths instead. But something snapped in me last year. That “justification” no longer flew when I cast my gaze upon of Mozzarella, the leader of the Moofia.

Since then I’ve become a big fan of the Tokidoki line of toys. The best way to describe it is if Sanrio went hip-hop while not coming across as a bunch of Milli Vanilli-level posers. Something like that.

First off, you gotta take a look at the boxes. Since The Moofia has a milk-and-cow theme to it, all of the packaging is designed like milk cartons. They even go so far as to take the missing-child-on-the-carton bit and turns it into a clever advertisement for other toys made by the same designer. That’s some stylish commercialism there.

Mozzarella, pictured above with her bullet sidekick, is the leader of The Moofia. According to the story on the back of her carton, she’s the leader of a group that goes around and protects innocent kids from bullies that want to steal their lunch money. Given the fact that she wields a tommy gun, I’d like to assume that she guns down these bullies in cold blood while they’re walking down the street to visit their elderly grandmothers at the hospital. Or it could be a big super soaker. Either way works.

Mozzarella’s design is pretty simple. She’s essentially a little girl dressed up in a cow costume. The paint job is fairly simple. There’s a few splotches of brown on top of the costume to give it that cow-look. It isn’t fancy, but it does a great job of making her look cowish. Most of the figure’s personality comes from her face. Her eyes are big black “spots,” but they manage to avoid being “soulless” due to the expressive eyelashes. Instead of some hollow, empty, vile look glaring at you from inside her box, her black dots actually appear to be pretty warm and friendly. I especially like the little tuft of hair protruding out from under her hood. Even with it being a perfect little “triangle” in terms of shape, it makes her appear a little “unkempt.” She isn’t some neat and tidy, good little girl. She might be cute, but she has an attitude, and she doesn’t care if her hair isn’t neatly tucked under her costume. She’s a rebel! And that’s why she guns down bullies for stealing lunch money.

In terms of “accessories,” Mozzarella is fairly spartan compared to your regular action figure. Figure-wise, she’s sporting two adorable little horns on her head. I like the way they curve inward ever so slightly. It gives them a devil horn aesthetic, making her mischievous look all the more complete. Maybe she’s actually a demon from the seven circle who got a dye job to blend in with dairy cows so she can get free room and board while going about her infernal task of murdering in the name of bullied nerds and weaklings. Yeah.

She’s also wearing hoop earrings, much like the rings going through the noses of cartoon bulls. Very stylish, and I dig how they can be spun around.

Her main accessory is her tommy gun. Not exactly the most realistic design for such a gun, and it would have benefited from a little splash of color on the handle or something like that, but it completes the entire package, so to speak. Her arms are designed so that she almost cradling the gun like a baby. It can be a bit of a pain to get her arms into just the right position so that she’s actually holding the gun, unfortunately. This isn’t a conventional figure with “grips” for accessories. That lends the figure some charm, but it’s also a bit of a hassle.

Her coolest accessory, if you insist on calling him such, is hercheerfully sentient bullet. He’s obviously too big to fit into her gun, so he must be a sidekick of sorts. I’m not much of a gun guy, so I can’t vouch for the authenticity of his shape compared to actual ammo, but I dig how he seems to be a “happy medium” between authenticity and cuteness. And his emoticon-like face of glee is just too damn adorable. I want to hug him and squeeze him and call him the proverbial George. Too. Then shove him to the ground like so many girls in penguin costumes. Too. Damn. Cute.

All in all she’s a pretty nice figure. I’m not sure if you can find her still, since she was released last year and these figures tend to be limited editions, but I was able to snag her for $30. That’s not too bad for a 6″ vinyl figure, especially one this cute.

The Goods: Awesome design, cool accessories, the bullet of my dreams.

The UnGoods:Hard to get tommy gun into place, gun could use a little splash of color.

Overall Rating: 4.5 out of 5

Just don’t tell her that I gave her a less than perfect score. I think she’s watching me…

Later: A review of Mozzarella’s cohort in crime and ultraboyfriend, Bulletto.

About Chad Landon Smith

The deposed God-Emperor of Pluto, now reigning in exile in San Antonio, Texas, United States, Earth.
This entry was posted in Designer Toys, Toy Reviews and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to The Moofia Does Not Exist (part one)

  1. updatedude says:

    Great review. Yeah, it ain’t that I don’t appreciate cool stuff, but my moo…lah is already drained by other stuff. As such, still pretty darn jealous of yon dang Moofia.

  2. Pingback: Haulidays, Reviews and Previews. Oh My! « Turquoise Version

  3. Pingback: The Moofia Does Not Exist (part two) « Turquoise Version

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